im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
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