i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
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