I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
