I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
