I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
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