I haven't been this sober since birth.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
