I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize