Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
