Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
My vagina just clenched in fear
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
