First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
