I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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