i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
