First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
