Three words: puerto rican gang bang
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
We're too hungover to prance.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Randomize
