One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Houston, we have a blender
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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