i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
