then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
