John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
