the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
This baby is an asshole
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize