i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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