we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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