WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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