I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
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