And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
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