I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
