You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
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