Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
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