So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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