Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Semen is not good for contacts.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Randomize
