i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Randomize