i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
