I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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