i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
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