I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
