she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
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