so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
im holly from the hills drunk
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize