PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
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