and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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