he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
