You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
