I'm drive I can fine osifer
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
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