I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
