My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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