i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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