last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Randomize
