Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
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