when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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