I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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