I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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