I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
hell yes lets make some ravioli
farters have to be the big spoon...
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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