Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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