now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
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