What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
