it's too hot outside to masturbate.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
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