I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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