i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Sex in the backyard? Check.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
