Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
