So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize