if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
